Officer Richard Cranium speaks up


Hello folks! I’m Cory Elia the managing editor of Village Portland. Some of you may know me mainly from my reportings on this app called Twitter.

Prior to covering the protests in downtown Portland, I was reporting on different situations around the city of Portland. I love this city because it’s where I was born and raised. But there is this thing called journalistic fatigue. I’ve been feeling it for a while now.

Some people like to write when they are frustrated to relieve the stress, I’m the complete opposite. However, I figured I should take some time to explain this letter which was found after the Saturday, August 22nd rallies in downtown Portland and given to me.

When it was discovered, it was written on a piece of paper in crayon and contained a significant amount of both spelling and grammatical errors.

The letter appears to be a complaint from an Officer Richard Cranium— and even contained a Twitter handle. It was difficult to read but we at Village Portland painstakingly deciphered the letter and recreated it for you as follows…


A Complaint Letter
by Officer Richard Cranium


As a local law enforcement officer, I have to speak up about the current situation pertaining to the nightly riots in Portland, Oregon.

For too long we officers have remained silent. Especially while beating rioters. All this violent graffiti and violent damaging of property needs to stop. Property is valuable and needs to be protected above all else.

All these people complaining about a racist police system need to understand that is why I became an officer to begin with. This system was built to protect the rich, white, and males of the country and I find that noble. It was the prospect of violating citizens’ rights and being racist towards minorities without any consequences that attracts many of us to this field of work. We enjoy it. You can see this by officers gathering around after teargassing and brutalizing protesters, press, legal observers, and then cracking jokes about it. There’s footage! It’s our version of the old water cooler.

These restraining orders that have been put in place while supposedly being a deterrent from us assaulting press and legal observers just makes it more fun because now we have to try and do so without anyone seeing. However, this means we officers can’t fully do as we please which is frustrating. I AM THE LAW!

When our Supreme Leader Donald Trump stated we can beat up on protesters and then called the media the enemy many of us started taking extra steroids to prepare for the fun we would be allowed to have. PPA President Daryl Turner has done his best to ensure we can do as we please to the best of his ability and I commend him for that. He truly understands the thrills we get from this job. He is a true hero! At least we got to hide our names.

But being muzzled isn’t something we enjoy and with more lawsuits being formed it’s becoming less acceptable to performing the essential duties of tear gassing, bull rushing, and beating people senselessly.

So… here I must plea to all the City officials and judges looking at this situation… can’t we beat up protesters, press, and legal observers just a little bit without being punished? We kind of need the release. Just ask our wives. 

Officer Richard Cranium


If any more letter like this are found please feel free to reach out to me at @therealcoryelia or @villageportland on Twitter.

3 thoughts on “Officer Richard Cranium speaks up

  1. This is mindless satire based on poor math. You act like these idiotic riots should be normal!

    Roughly 1,000 Americans are killed by cops each year, almost entirely while resisting arrest and mostly when the suspect is armed. Resisting arrest, even while technically unarmed, triggers cops’ natural survival instincts (they want to go home alive each day). Of those 1,000 Americans, about 500 are white, 250 are black, and the rest Hispanic, Asian, etc.

    Right away, you should see that the 500 whites aren’t being killed due to racism unless there’s a ton of racist black cops (no evidence for that) And why are the 250 blacks killed beyond their 13-14% population ratio? It’s because they commit MORE CRIME per capita, and cops go where the crime IS. This doesn’t mean racism is nonexistent, just that cops aren’t committing most killings related to. There’s too busy fighting crime. See Roland Fryer’s 2016 study (he’s black). Far more blacks are killed by other blacks, yet BLM is silent on that elephant in the living room.

    These destructive riots, excused with smug “property can be replaced” rhetoric, are predicated on the assumption that crime itself is no big deal. Is IS a big deal! Ask some victims, who are often minorities in bad neighborhoods who LIKE police presence.

    I think 911 service should be defunded for every snarky household that refuses to admit blacks have a serious crime problem, and keeps blaming the cops for doing what they’re supposed to. They accomplish this by cherry-picking random cases where arrests go badly instead of admitting that resisting arrest is inherently dangerous.

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